Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Lost and Found

Over the past few weeks or months I feel I've lost myself in a pile of mess. I've been dealing and facing some ugly facts about my life and what's in the future. While it's not all bad stuff it's just not fun stuff to deal with. I am glad this trip to Italy has been booked. I need this time alone. I need to think. I need to remember who I am. I need to spend time with my mother and my grandmother. Just us 3 women. I know we are going to have fun. I know tears are going to be shed. I know laughter is going to be heard. I know we are going to have the best time together. And I am pretty sure it's going to make our bond even stronger.

This week, I've learned that I might have Usher Syndrome.
I spent most of yesterday at the doc office with Dave...Crying...I think I stopped listening when she said this could lead to blindness. My heart broke into a million billions pieces. All I thought of was were my babies. Today however, I had to go downtown Detroit and see another doc for another test. The test entitle me to sit in the dark for 30 mins alone. I am telling you that was the longest 30 mins I've ever sat in my life! The most powerful 3o mins.

While sitting there, I talked to God. Actually, yelled at him more like it. Not out loud of course, since I am not sure if they were watching me from another room and I didn't want to get put down at the psych ward ;) Anyways, I sat there getting mad. Asking him, why he felt he needed to do this to me and maybe to my brother too (he's having eye issues as well). Wasn't it bad enough that our hearing was taken away from us? Now our eyes sights??? While getting mad, I realize that I am lucky. I can hear with an aid and I can still see. So I should be thankful right???

I am struggling with this along with other things. Where I should be in my life? Am I a good enough mother to my girls? Wife to Dave? Daughter to my parents? Sister to my brother? I am struggling with my relationship with my brother and it's getting harder and harder everyday. I want different things then he does. Granted, I am married, have 2 kids and almost 7 years older then him. He's 21 years old, not married, no kids and has no clue who he even is and where he's going with life. I should understand that but I can't right now. I am struggling with friendships. Some old friendships have left my life and while I'll never get their friendship back, I miss them. Some old friendship are still part of my life but it's not the same. Some friendships I should be letting go and I can't. And some I have right here in front of me and I feel I am not doing a great job being a friend back to them.

Dave starts school when I return back home, I am looking forward to it. We need our routine back in our house. And he needs to get out of the house :) While I love love love my husband, he needs to get out! He's been home since Sept. all day and night. I am thinking once he's back out of the house in the evening, I'll start coming back around and out of this funk.

I guess I should get back to packing and some rest as tomorrow will be a long day!!


Shari/"Whiger" said...

Ouch. It is devastating to find out you have a double whammy (hearing and vison loss). I have been talking to online support groups and it has helped, knowing that I am not alone. Even though I have siblings with Usher syndrome, it is still nice to talk to others around the globe. Hang in there, Lauren. If you have it (and I hope you don't), please don't hesitate to get all the accommodations you need to prepare yourself (easier said than done).

God bless.

Marissa said...

I'm praying for you & hope you have a wonderful, refreshing trip. *hugs*